As kids are getting back into their school routine, it’s the perfect time to discuss something I see frequently in my practice called “masking”. Masking is when children hide their natural behaviors, feelings, or needs to try and fit in or avoid standing out. They may copy others, hold back emotions, or work harder to appear comfortable. Over time, masking can cause stress, anxiety, exhaustion, and lead to low self-esteem.
An example of masking is in the 2004 film Mean Girls.To gain the attention of Aaron, a hot guy in her Calculus class, the main character Cady (Lindsay Lohan) pretends she doesn’t “get” a problem so that he can “help” her. This type of masking is a common way that kids with unique gifts try to fit in with peers. Cady is academically gifted, but socially awkward. Her “playing dumb” is effective at getting Aaron to notice her but at what cost? By completely masking her gifts, she gains Aaron’s attention and he asks her to a party, which gives her the false impression that masking is an effective strategy.
Who has not felt “my kid tries to hold it together at school and then they come home and completely meltdown.” This meltdown is often due to the fact that masking is exhausting.
Imagine, hiding parts of yourself for over 8 hours just to either not get noticed or to avoid being seen as “weird”? This is what it is like for so many kids throughout their school day. Perfectionism, lack of class participation, and low self-esteem are just a few examples of the negative impacts of masking
I work with kids and their families to help “unmask” in order to assure that kids feel good celebrating their incredible strengths and don’t feel the need to hide their stretches. Instead they gain the confidence to work through them.
BTW, you may recall, Cady fully understood the math problem and Aaron’s explanations were completely wrong but she praised him and expressed gratitude. Her masking creates a false identity, which goes against her nature, this is not what we want for our kids. It’s time to celebrate our kids’ strengths and help them to know that their stretches are not bigger than they are.
For the last two decades I have helped kids to celebrate their wonderful gifts and use them to support their stretches. Both parents and kids learn that strengths are who we actually are, and stretches are just challenges that can not stand up to our strengths. “By using their strengths to support their stretches” ™, kids learn to thrive and parents build closer connections with their children. Instead of butting heads, parents learn to get creative in helping their kids to celebrate themselves.
If you have a child who is struggling to celebrate their strengths and instead is feeling overwhelmed by “hiding” their stretches please reach out – I know I can help.
Or email me at [email protected]
